It's gettin kinda heavy

Hey... Lately I have been feeling like a total piece of shit. Idk why... But when you feel like a piece of shit, it's usually because you are. My sister is the best person I know. i wish I could be more like her. And my dad is a great guy too. He does so much for me and my sister. He never asks for anything in return. Then there's my mom. I love my mom so much. I have always been a mama's girl. She is a great mom. The best I could ask for......... But I still miss my family. The way it used to be. Its not even that Im tired of having to move back and forth or that Im tired of fighting with them about money and child support. It's more that I just miss the things were. I miss spending Saturdays in the back yard, playing dominoes and eating pickles. I miss going on trail rides with my mom and dad. I miss having both my parents there on my birthday. I miss having one Thanksgiving. One Easter. One Christmas. I miss having one bed. One home. I miss my family.... My friend Mariah's parents are still together. I spend a lot of time there and I can tell that they really love each other still. And they'll kiss or something and Mariah says eww and tells them to stop (like anyone else would if their parents were making out in the kitchen) but it makes me so sad. Because I know that I will never get to say that to my parents again. I am never going to see my dad bring home a dozen red roses for my mom again. I'll never see their wedding rings on their fingers again. They'll never go to Laughlin or Havasu together ever again and it just makes me so sad....
It's been 6 years since I have sat down to eat dinner with both my parents. Six years since I woke up and got to say good morning to both of them. Six years since I've seen them use the same coffee machine.
My mom got mad at my sister and I the other day because we used these bowling passes she gave me to go bowling with my dad. I can see how she would be upset, I guess. But it sucked because I would have loved more than anything to go bowling with them both. I would be so happy to just see them talk to each other without getting pissed off. Just one conversation. They havent had one normal conversation in six years.
I just turned 17 in December... I had two different birthday celebrations. One for my mom, and one for my dad... I guess to most people that would sound pretty great. But I would give anything to have them both sit down to have a birthday dinner with me. I havent heard my parents sing me happy birthday together in six years...
I miss the old times..

"Even if things get too heavy, we all float on okay"
-Modest Mouse

Violent

Im afraid of him....

Its getting really hard to be patient and stay in this relationship... I love him. There is no way to deny it. But because i love him so much he has a lot of power to hurt me. He said something really messed to me about a week ago at a party. In front of all his friends. I was so embarrassed that i went outside to 'warm up my car' for like, 20 minutes... Today he crossed the line in a whole new way. He said something so harsh about something that no one else knows. Something that no one i know can understand but me... Like i said, its getting really hard to stay in this relationship...