The minor fall, the major lift

So i fucked up. And i totally know it. i was fucking up for the longest time. and it took one hell of a wake up call to get me to stop being a dumb ass. But now that i realize how messed up i was, its easy not to be that way. What is not easy, however, is living with the things i did. and the things that have happened to me. because i know that its all my fault. and that there is no one i can blame, and no one will ever sympathize with me. nor should they. I know i deserved everything i got. and I know that a lot of people are talking about how i had been behaving. but no one seems to be saying anything that is true. I mean, there is plenty of shit that people could talk about. so many things that are good topics when your talking shit about someone. but oh well. shit happens.
I just recently started changing my ways and getting back on track. and i know that i am already a better person than i was a month ago. but what sucks is that no matter how much i change, or how much i grow, a lot of people are still gonna see me for what i was. it does suck. but i am changing for me. and not for other people. so i guess it doesnt really matter if they talk, huh? There are certain people that i care about enough to care what they think and say about me. but beyond those people, i dont reall think it matters what they say.
i would go back and change things if i could... but i cant. so i guess this is just what i have to get used to. what ihave to deal with and overcome to be the person i want to be. and that person is not afraid. and she is honest and real. and she is ambitious. and she is soon to come. just wait.