It's gettin kinda heavy

Hey... Lately I have been feeling like a total piece of shit. Idk why... But when you feel like a piece of shit, it's usually because you are. My sister is the best person I know. i wish I could be more like her. And my dad is a great guy too. He does so much for me and my sister. He never asks for anything in return. Then there's my mom. I love my mom so much. I have always been a mama's girl. She is a great mom. The best I could ask for......... But I still miss my family. The way it used to be. Its not even that Im tired of having to move back and forth or that Im tired of fighting with them about money and child support. It's more that I just miss the things were. I miss spending Saturdays in the back yard, playing dominoes and eating pickles. I miss going on trail rides with my mom and dad. I miss having both my parents there on my birthday. I miss having one Thanksgiving. One Easter. One Christmas. I miss having one bed. One home. I miss my family.... My friend Mariah's parents are still together. I spend a lot of time there and I can tell that they really love each other still. And they'll kiss or something and Mariah says eww and tells them to stop (like anyone else would if their parents were making out in the kitchen) but it makes me so sad. Because I know that I will never get to say that to my parents again. I am never going to see my dad bring home a dozen red roses for my mom again. I'll never see their wedding rings on their fingers again. They'll never go to Laughlin or Havasu together ever again and it just makes me so sad....
It's been 6 years since I have sat down to eat dinner with both my parents. Six years since I woke up and got to say good morning to both of them. Six years since I've seen them use the same coffee machine.
My mom got mad at my sister and I the other day because we used these bowling passes she gave me to go bowling with my dad. I can see how she would be upset, I guess. But it sucked because I would have loved more than anything to go bowling with them both. I would be so happy to just see them talk to each other without getting pissed off. Just one conversation. They havent had one normal conversation in six years.
I just turned 17 in December... I had two different birthday celebrations. One for my mom, and one for my dad... I guess to most people that would sound pretty great. But I would give anything to have them both sit down to have a birthday dinner with me. I havent heard my parents sing me happy birthday together in six years...
I miss the old times..

"Even if things get too heavy, we all float on okay"
-Modest Mouse

Violent

Im afraid of him....

Its getting really hard to be patient and stay in this relationship... I love him. There is no way to deny it. But because i love him so much he has a lot of power to hurt me. He said something really messed to me about a week ago at a party. In front of all his friends. I was so embarrassed that i went outside to 'warm up my car' for like, 20 minutes... Today he crossed the line in a whole new way. He said something so harsh about something that no one else knows. Something that no one i know can understand but me... Like i said, its getting really hard to stay in this relationship...

One Semester Left

Well, the first semester of my senior year is over. Only one semester left, and Im done. Things are easier now that finals are over and i got my 4.0. So now I dont have much to worry about other than the usual suzie homemaker role i take on at my dad's house and constantly policing my parents' fighting. the latest fight is about my mom taking me to laughlin for my birthday. My dad cant stand that my mom is taking me out of town when he cant afford to. i get why he would be mad. cuz the main reason he cant afford to take me out of town for my birthday, is because he has to pay child more child support than i have ever heard of anyone paying for. i feel so sorry for him. i know it isnt fair. but its also not fair for him to take it out on me when he is upset at my mom, or the courts, or the economy. that was one of the main reasons that my mom left him. but he's stressed. and i guess i just need to deal with it. all i can do is make sure he has nothing else to stress about... i spent three hours cleaning the house today. and then i went grocery shopping for him. and now im doing his laundry... i havent even thought about dinner yet.. guess i'd better get on that. til next time

-Taylor

The minor fall, the major lift

So i fucked up. And i totally know it. i was fucking up for the longest time. and it took one hell of a wake up call to get me to stop being a dumb ass. But now that i realize how messed up i was, its easy not to be that way. What is not easy, however, is living with the things i did. and the things that have happened to me. because i know that its all my fault. and that there is no one i can blame, and no one will ever sympathize with me. nor should they. I know i deserved everything i got. and I know that a lot of people are talking about how i had been behaving. but no one seems to be saying anything that is true. I mean, there is plenty of shit that people could talk about. so many things that are good topics when your talking shit about someone. but oh well. shit happens.
I just recently started changing my ways and getting back on track. and i know that i am already a better person than i was a month ago. but what sucks is that no matter how much i change, or how much i grow, a lot of people are still gonna see me for what i was. it does suck. but i am changing for me. and not for other people. so i guess it doesnt really matter if they talk, huh? There are certain people that i care about enough to care what they think and say about me. but beyond those people, i dont reall think it matters what they say.
i would go back and change things if i could... but i cant. so i guess this is just what i have to get used to. what ihave to deal with and overcome to be the person i want to be. and that person is not afraid. and she is honest and real. and she is ambitious. and she is soon to come. just wait.

Fuck.

Well now I have absolutely no one. But I don't really think I did anything wrong. I was honest with everyone. I tried to play nice, but that bitch didnt want to. So that's what happens when you cant grow the fuck up and get over shit. I need my sister to come back. We have been together our whole lives. Seperated by four inches of mere drywall since I was six. And she is so far away. I havent felt at home since she left. And Im trying to keep it together. Things are going great at my mom's house. Its like a switch was flipped and now she's back to the strong, independent woman that I always knew. But now that Im back at my dad's, its harder. He just hurt his neck and now he can barely move. Now, I do all the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping and laundry when he is fully capable of reaching for things and walking to the bathroom on his own. But now that he is hurt, i have become full time cook, maid, and nurse. On top of the 4.0 GPA he expects me to maintain (At the moment I have two B's. Fuck my life) and the play that im doing, and the club that i am the VP of, and the job that I need to keep. And the second job i need to find now that its the off season and i wont get any work for a while. And I need to find a way to pay for college and the apartment that i have in Santa Cruz. And my best friend and i arent on the best of terms. We have never fought before. ANd now we are. And another really good friend of mine is upset with me because I lectured him about driving drunk (My fuckin bad, dumb ass. I'll try to care less next time)...........
Wow. I feel better now. Not shaking anymore!
Well nevermind. Yet another support beam falls out from under me. The guy that Im in love with (and the same guy me and my best friend are fighting about) just told me that he doesnt wanna cause prblems with me and my friend, so hes ending it. My mind is gonna fuckin explode.
And the thing is, it has to be my fault. Its far less likely that all the people im having issues with all decided to lose their fucking minds on the same day. So it has to be me, right?
But I cant figure out what the fuck I am doing to make people act this way.
Im gonna go lie down and try to relax.
Deep breaths.
-Taylor

So Let's get started!

Well Im pretty frustrated and confused right now. Im not quite sure what to make of this new relationship.. Well its far from new, but its been rekindled and, hopefully, restructured; so it is, in a sense, new. Neither of us ever thought we would try again, and we both told ourselves so many times that it was over, and yet here we are again. We're both really scared and neither of us have really told anyone because we're both so afraid that its going to fall apart and that we will both look stupid to our friends and family.
I recently started wearing the ring he gave me again (when Im alone, because wearing the ring that he gave me would be a dead giveaway). And we talk like we're both committed and both invested in this, but then he seems to broadcast his romantic independence and willingness to date and sleep with other women on social networking sites. I know I sound crazy and possessive and, damn it, like every other girl on the planet. And it drives me nuts. But it really does bother me. Because I dont know what to do with it, and he seems to always side step the subject.
But I guess the logical solution here would be to stop blogging and straight out ask him what he wants and where he sees us going. No side stepping allowed.
-Taylor